Wedding Etiquette: When Your Plus One Gets The Dreaded Flavour

What I posted: Bridesmaid duties done! Had the most romantic day celebrating the wedding of one of my best friends!
What really happened: One of my oldest friends tied the knot this weekend. I love a good wedding. Her two years of planning came together perfectly, the day was beautiful.
 
Now I've been to a few weddings as a singleton. Sat on my lonesome quietly nibbling a starter with a happy couple on my right and a happy couple on my left, wondering if the man of my dreams was planning on making an entrance any time soon! Coming to terms with the fact it wasn't going to be tonight as I do the obligatory leg kicking to New York New York. The joy! 
 
You can imagine how nice it is to have a plus one these days. Rejoice! What could possibly go wrong?
Gents, if you're accompanying your girlfriend/wife/partner to a wedding please take note of the following Do's & Don'ts:
 
If you're waiting in the church for the bride who is running slightly late, DON'T text your girlfriend (the bridesmaid) to see if you have time for another pint.
 
DO pace yourself with the free drinks on arrival at the wedding venue. When you're offered a Peroni or a Prosecco DON'T choose both.
 
DON'T find an accomplice drinking buddy and DON'T encourage each other.  
 
DON'T drink so much that you develop a lazy eye before the starters have been served.
 
DON'T grab the table centrepieces and pretend to 'batter' your accomplice with it. Especially if there are young children at your table.
 
Should you be taken to one side for a quiet word DON'T make the false claim that "you're as drunk as you will get today." If you carry on drinking you will become more drunk.
 
DO take full advantage of the complimentary toiletries in the gents loos but DON'T sport a new hair style every time you re-emerge.
 
If your girlfriend asks how she looked walking down the aisle DO say she looked lovely, DON'T say she looked nervous (even if she did).
 
DON'T play with your girlfriend's dessert while she is in the ladies. She will notice that her delicate chocolate basket is in a crumpled heap on her plate when she sits back at the table. She will not find this funny.
 
If you offer your girlfriend your blazer jacket DON'T hold it down over her head until she struggles free. She will not find this funny either.
 
DON'T tell the Bride that you are in love with her Mother, the Grooms Mother and the Grooms Nan.
 
DON'T do a foxtrot with the grooms Auntie.
 
DO get up quickly and discreetly should you fall on your arse on the dance floor. DON'T wait for the Brides Mother to help you up.
 
If you should find that you have experienced some or all of the above DON'T decide Jaegar Bombs are a good idea. They are not. 
One hell of a hangover later my plus one has survived to tell the tale (what he can remember of it) and I'm all set to make sure he never hears the end of it.
 
Thanks so much for reading x x
 
Tweet me @NotYour9To5

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